Saturday, March 14, 2009

Saying Goodbye....



I've written and rewritten this post a billion and one times....not sure of the right way I want to express myself....which is usually never a hard thing for me to do....



I guess...never in my life....have I had a harder time saying goodbye to someone....than I did this week to my little Bean Sprout....


I have run the gammet with every emotion I think you can have.....it reminded me a lot of the emotional rollercoaster I had with my Cancer....and my Divorce....it's funny really, how different life situations....really aren't that different when it deals with your heart.....


First the shock...then the overwhelming saddness.....then throw in some anger.....and I think now....when I'm done with all of those....the healing truly begins....


I completely understand....the adage..."it happens for a reason".....hell, I've told myself the phrase enough times...I think it has become my mantra.....this time....I really just wanted to know what that reason was.....as futile as I know it is....I just wanted to know...why this time....it wasn't right.....


and I completely understand....that I will be blessed by another wonderful little miracle baby....and that having gone through this will make our next Beanie.....perhaps even a little bit more special.....(I hope though that I don't get overly compensated by being the next Nadya Suleman).....

I have seen the love and compassion of so many of my friends and family.....Juice has been the empitomy of a loving and supportive husband...who even through his own saddness....has made sure that everyday is a good day....(and even made me laugh some by putting that annoying McDonalds Filet o Fish song as my ringtone...Thanks)


It has helped me in my faith....though I don't speak of it often....Because I know that there is a bigger purpose....and Beanie had a bigger purpose.....


Beanie brought a lot of happiness....and joy.....(even through the morning sickness...that lasted most of the day....) in it's short life.....I was blessed to be it's mother.....and will forever call it mine....


The night before my DNC I had my dream...where I feel Beanie came to say goodbye....I don't remember much about it....except for watching a little toddler riding away down the street on a red tricycle.....they never turned around....just kept peddling....and I woke up knowing...it was Beanies little way of saying it's okay....


This week....as I celebrate the day my little Pooh was born...We also will Celebrate Beanie...by planting a rosebush right next to Pooh's.....


It's truly amazing....I couldn't get through this without crying....but yet I know....it will turn out okay.....because on Saturday...there will be a piece of cake with Beanie's name on it....

36 comments:

Momma Moe said...

you have me in tears...I too am a little beanie mommy...and he or she are forever missed.

Roxane said...

I'm so sorry for your loss. Your post had me all choked up. I hope that the love of friends and family can help slowly mend your broken heart.

Evolving Mommy Catherine said...

Oh, as in most situations like this I am at a loss for words. I am so sorry to hear about your loss and I hope for happy days in your future.

Jen said...

I am so sorry for your loss. I have no words to make you feel better. I don't think there are any. Next Wednesday marks what would have been my first born daughter's 17th birthday. She died before she was born but only by a few hours. It is something that I share with no one really since her father and I have gone our separate ways. But I felt the same way that you do about Bean. I knew my daughter even though no one else did. And I wouldn't have traded a moment of time I had with her.

Cindy said...

Oh, I'm so sorry. I wish I knew the words to make you feel better, but I can't find them, there is no word that can heal.
I'm glad juice and pooh are there.

Kristin said...

I too am at a loss for words. Sometimes saying "I'm sorry" doesn't feel like enough. Please know you are in my thoughts.

Leslie said...

Awww!! I'm thinking of you in this time of need. I agree that sorry doesn't feel like enough...

Momof3 said...

I am so sorry that you have to say goodbye!

We had a loss 3 years ago. I was 20 weeks along. There are no words!

My thoughts are with you!

Dorkys Ramos said...

I'm so sorry! You and your family are in my thoughts. ((Hugs))

Nicole O'Dell said...

Oh, sweetie, I'm crying for you, too. I am so sorry that you will have such a bittersweet time. I wish I could say something to make it better...

Many prayers for you...

flavoredmom said...

You took me back to when my little beanie left us - it's been over 4 years now but when I read something like your post, it takes me right back to that moment. Be strong, nature made the best decision because the time wasn't right. When my little guy came along, he was worth the wait. ♥

Ritch in Love said...

Oh my goodness...I'm so sorry. I have no idea what kind of hurt you are expriencing in your heart. But I will keep you in my thoughts and prayers. ::hugs::

Nana said...

I am so sorry to hear about this.
I'm glad you are planting a rose bush for your little bean sprout.

I hope you get to feeling better soon. I know it will take a while.

Jaden Paige said...

I am so sorry... I know there is nothing I could say to take away the hurt you are feeling, but please know that we are all thinking of you and sending you warm vibes and hugs across the blogiverse. {{hugs}}

Casey said...

I am so sorry for your loss. Your post was amazing and had me in tears. I wish I could take away your pain.

Carolyn said...

Oh my goodness - I am so, so sorry to hear that. My thoughts and prayers are with you

xxx

Michaela said...

I am so sorry!! I lost a little bean 9 years ago this September... there are no words, just know you are not alone {{hugs}}

kjamama said...

I love you all so much and am so sorry for you. Just know that I am here for you always...I am so lucky to have you as my sister. I LOVE YOU!!! :)

Stacie said...

I am so sorry for your loss.

April said...

Oh, I'm so sorry.....I have two precious, little ones who've gone on to Heaven to wait for me. HUGS!

Meghan said...

(((HUGS)))
I know exactly how you feel.

Texan Mama @ Who Put Me In Charge said...

Oh, I cannot tell you how sad I am for you. I, too, know what it's like to lose a Bean. I remember feeling like, "This is one club I don't want to be a member of." And, "Everything happens for a reason" is the crappiest saying so I hope no one says it to you and if they do just punch 'em in the face! I'm so glad your husband is there to hold you and dry your tears. Just try to get through it one day at a time. Some days are better than others. Don't try to be happy if you aren't. Don't make apologies to outsiders. Just own your grief and let your love for you family (ALL of you, even Beanie) comfort you.

I am Harriet said...

Hi.
Just passing by via SITS to say hello! :)

Jody said...

There are no words, except I am truly sorry..... We lost a baby right before heath (3rd boy) and I still know the date but others so easily forget, thank you for your post. It brought tears to my eyes, and i pray for you today.

Cindy said...

So glad to hear that today is better for you.
clicky :)

domesticgoddess said...

I am sorry to hear that you had to say goodbye! You are in my thoughts!

On The Verge said...

I am so sorry for your loss. You are in my thoughts and prayers. HUGS

Lydia

ConversationsWithACupcake said...

What a beautiful expression of your thoughts and feelings. Thank you for sharing. It's such a gift to better understand where one stands when going through a difficult time.

Love and prayers for you and yours.

Purpled Sky said...

Oh, I'm so sorry for your loss. I wish I can hug you for real so I can hug the pain away.

Connie Weiss said...

I'm so sorry.

My little beanie's name is Adrienne and I plant Gladiolus for her every year which miraculously bloom the week that she would have been born.

Hugs....

Aubrey said...

I'm sorry for your loss. Your post was lovely. Touching.

*hugs*

So Not Mom-a-licious said...

Argh! I am so upset with myself and I feel so bad that I have neglected my Reader this week. I'm so sorry that I didn't read this sooner. Because i am here for ya girl! And what are the odds? I mean seriously. That you and I posted about the same thing on the same day. So I feel like had I know we could have been there for each other. I'm here for you!

Comfort Joy Designs said...

So sorry. *hug*

Aunt Spicy said...

What a beautiful and touching post! It sounds like you are surrounded with friends and family and love. And most importantly a sense of peace!

Tammigirl said...

If I were there I would hug you. All the time.

Thanks for coming by my suck/rock blog to welcome me to SITS.

ElleBee said...

Praying for you...