Saying Goodbye....

I've written and rewritten this post a billion and one times....not sure of the right way I want to express myself....which is usually never a hard thing for me to do....



I guess...never in my life....have I had a harder time saying goodbye to someone....than I did this week to my little Bean Sprout....

I have run the gammet with every emotion I think you can have.....it reminded me a lot of the emotional rollercoaster I had with my Cancer....and my Divorce....it's funny really, how different life situations....really aren't that different when it deals with your heart.....

First the shock...then the overwhelming saddness.....then throw in some anger.....and I think now....when I'm done with all of those....the healing truly begins....

I completely understand....the adage..."it happens for a reason".....hell, I've told myself the phrase enough times...I think it has become my mantra.....this time....I really just wanted to know what that reason was.....as futile as I know it is....I just wanted to know...why this time....it wasn't right.....

and I completely understand....that I will be blessed by another wonderful little miracle baby....and that having gone through this will make our next Beanie.....perhaps even a little bit more special.....(I hope though that I don't get overly compensated by being the next Nadya Suleman).....

I have seen the love and compassion of so many of my friends and family.....Juice has been the empitomy of a loving and supportive husband...who even through his own saddness....has made sure that everyday is a good day....(and even made me laugh some by putting that annoying McDonalds Filet o Fish song as my ringtone...Thanks)

It has helped me in my faith....though I don't speak of it often....Because I know that there is a bigger purpose....and Beanie had a bigger purpose.....

Beanie brought a lot of happiness....and joy.....(even through the morning sickness...that lasted most of the day....) in it's short life.....I was blessed to be it's mother.....and will forever call it mine....

The night before my DNC I had my dream...where I feel Beanie came to say goodbye....I don't remember much about it....except for watching a little toddler riding away down the street on a red tricycle.....they never turned around....just kept peddling....and I woke up knowing...it was Beanies little way of saying it's okay....

This week....as I celebrate the day my little Pooh was born...We also will Celebrate Beanie...by planting a rosebush right next to Pooh's.....

It's truly amazing....I couldn't get through this without crying....but yet I know....it will turn out okay.....because on Saturday...there will be a piece of cake with Beanie's name on it....